My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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