i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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