i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
