the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
