he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Ladies don't puke and tell
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