I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
