btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
