And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize