i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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