I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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