Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
