I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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