I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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