It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
