Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
