He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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