You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
