Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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