i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
