u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
