I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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