Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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