I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize