you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
