don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
