she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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