I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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