So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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