i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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