new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
