I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
