I accidentally had phone sex last night
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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