Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize