there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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