I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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