Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
