The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
