The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
