Plan B is the new Plan A
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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