One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
