I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize