like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
two words...techno handjob
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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