rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
