Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
