the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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