I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
