his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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