My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
