I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
