I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
