You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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