just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I didn't notice because vodka
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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