Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
