i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
