ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize