You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
