I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
