How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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