I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I have aggressive nipples.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
